Like the Rolling Stones said “Time is on my side” or is it? The way you “sort time” in your mind can affect your method of communication.
There are two major ways the people experience time and “yes”, everyone does both strategies in some context. The first major method is called “In-Time” which means that you are “in the moment” and the event you are engaged in has just flows and goes on without interruption. Other things like work, movies, getting on airplanes, family activities, commitments, appointments, agreements, etc can sometimes be just completely gone during this experience of time.
People who use this type of time sorting can frequently, unintentionally, be late for appointments; many never were a watch and seem to be completely aware there is this concept called time. If you have “In-time” friends that are frequently late you might consider telling them an event starts at different time when the event actually begins so that when they are late, they are actually on-time or only slightly late.
The second major method of sorting time is called “Through-Time”. People who sort time this way has the experience of each thing they do having a beginning, a middle and an end. These people (I’m one of them) are frequently “Time Nazis”. They are almost always early or exactly on time for appointments. They were watches, have clocks all over their houses and time plays a HUGE role in their world.
Both groups have rather unique methods of communication that can give clues to that person’s inner world of communication and their experience of time. With these two vastly differing communication styles, who can guess why people with different “time-sorting” styles can get on each other’s nerves.
When I coach couples, one of the first things I check for is; how does each person communicate about time and in which style? “In-Time” people can be lousy in-the-moment arguments particularly when arguing with a “Through-Time person who has access to who, what, when, where and how; what happened. By the time the “In-Time” person has accessed the event that happened in the past, the “Through-Time” person has either asked them another question or the same question, again, and that knocks them out of that event state; so the argument just goes around and around with no resolution.
A person who sorts “In-Time” while telling a story or memory will frequently have to put themselves back into the space they were in, previously, so they can remember the details. While telling stories about an experience, for a “In-Time” speaker, the details may be completely lost unless the re-associate back into the experience. “In-Time” people also usually give lots of details and their stories meander while they talk about ALL of the details of the events, their perceptions and other people’s perceptions while the event was occurring.
A “In-Time” person will want ALL of the details of a story, event or activity. Do not spare one single detail and the really fun part is they don’t care what order that the details come in.
A “Through-Time” person has access to the detail of events without having to re-associate and depending on their communication style and interest in the topic can give lots of detail or can give an overview of an event. While speaking to a “Through-Time” person, the listener will usually a person will have to ask questions to elicit more detail if the speaker doesn’t volunteer them. “Through-Time” speakers are famous for overview and the one-sentence synopsis.
A “Through-Time” person is going to want the short version of a story, event or activity and if they want more detail they will ask for it. They really are wanting a clear concise flow and any non-pertinent detail or opinion not specifically related to the course of events disturbs the flow of the conversation. The down-side of “Through-Time” speakers and listeners is that they can be a “buzz kill” for those who are just having a conversation and there is no need for the information to flow because the survival of the free world doesn’t depend on the next sentence.
Neither time strategy is better or worse than the other. The solution here is for both groups of people to know about the existence of the “other”. Learning to communicate in different styles can help you develop your speaking and listening flexibility. You can start by listening to others about how they communicate and noticing how they relate the activities and stories. Remember that the bottom-line in communication is not what the speaker is saying but what the listener is hearing. If you want to be an effective communicator be prepared to be flexible.
Peace Love Trance
Dr. Michael Harris
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