Generational Healing, a Hypnotic Perspective
Generational healing is a topic that I found very little information about while researching this article. There are broad-based platitudes that, sort of, address some of the issues and the rest are a little too woo-woo even for me, and that takes a lot. As part of the 100 days of trance project, I feel it’s a topic that can’t be ignored.
So what is generational healing? It’s the concept of healing yourself in a profound way that transcends the family and generations. Think addictions, multi-divorces, family curses, “inherited disease” and generational poverty. This affects everyone in the family unit both up and down the family tree, so it makes sense to me that this can work in reverse.
My goal in this article is to discuss the three major components of generational change and create a hypnotic process that you can read, then go and get the changes you are looking for, through the process.
3 Major Catagories
If you wish to have a profound change in your family/relationship dynamics you will need three things; boundaries, personal change work, and a transformation process (near death, I’ll explain). In this article, I will discuss setting and maintaining boundaries.
Need 1: Certainty/Comfort
The first human need is the need for Certainty. It’s our need to feel in control or safe and to know what’s coming next so we can feel secure. It’s the need for basic comfort, the need to avoid pain and stress, and also to create pleasure. Growing up in a family that has lots of unwanted “surprises” can cause a person to either repeat this problem or go the opposite direction and have no tolerance for change.
Need 2: Uncertainty/Variety
We all like the surprises we like and the ones you don’t want, you call problems! The mind needs a certain amount of variety in order to be satisfied and it’s usually more than our bodies need. Some individuals have become so accustomed to variety (crazy) they can’t tolerate routine or repetitive tasks.
Need 3: Significance
We all need to feel important, special, unique or needed. So how do some of us get significance? Growing up in a family where you literally don’t matter can cause some people to seek out significance in ways that might land them in jail or be dead. It is this need for significance that drives most anti-social behavior.
Need 4: Love & Connection
The fourth basic need is Love and Connection. When we love completely we feel alive, but when we lose love, the pain is so great that most people settle on connection, the crumbs of love. It is this need that compels people to join gangs, get married young and any variety of methods to achieve this lack.
Need 5: Growth
Growth and changes are necessary in all lives. Some families and relationships have rules about staying the same or not going outside of established norms. This double bind causes stress that shows up in an interesting way in family units.
Need 6: Contribution
We all need to give back. Some do and other’s do not. This creates a void and an incongruity in family/relationship dynamics. If you grew up in a family where it was every-man-for-himself, how would know that about the value of giving without expecting anything in return? It can create a reverse effect where there is an expectation of receiving without any requirement on the part of the receiver. (think millennials)
Personal Change Work
In a therapeutic or change work environment you need attention to these three components if you wish to have a lasting change that will affect not only you but up and down the generational tree.
Goals – A goal is an idea of the future or desired result that a person or a group of people envisions, plans and commits to achieve. People endeavor to reach goals within a finite time by setting deadlines.
A goal is roughly similar to a purpose or aim, the anticipated result which guides reaction, or an end, which is an object, either a physical object or an abstract object, that has intrinsic value. (source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goal )
Trauma/Wounds – trauma/wounds can physical, mental or emotional in nature. The definition I use is an event that overwhelms the consciousness and causes the conscious mind to withdraw from the situation. Example: violence, divorce, illness, death, addictions, fire or job loss
Longings – longings are goals, dreams, and aspirations that have to be tabled, abandoned or left behind, either willingly or unwillingly to adapt to the change in your environment. Example: quitting school, getting pregnant (unplanned), quitting a job, having children, spouse or parent dying
Transformation (Near death & rebirth)
The transformation required for most people to really make a lasting impact on their family/relationship dynamics is HUGE. Some families would never allow someone to grow up and become their own person. You see images of this, in movies, where there is a patriarch or matriarch that runs the show and all of the children (adults) must stay in line and follow the crowd lest they get written out of the will, disowned, ex-communicated, etc.
So how do you set a boundary? Here’s a good functional list for the framework of how to set boundaries. Your success may depend on what other change work is needed, in addition to this list.
6 Steps to Setting Better Boundaries:
1. Know this sad truth: NO boundaries = little self-esteem.
The first step to change is admitting this. Your boundaries are your values. Boundaries are representative of how much or little you respect yourself. Boundaries are your friend.
2. Decide what your core values are.
Who are you? What do you value? Figure out what, exactly, you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t. Once you get clear on what matters most to you, then you can take a bigger step of communicating this to others.
This is key: Instead of creating your boundaries around a difficult relationship in your life, you must make your boundaries about you.
3. You can’t change others, change yourself.
We cannot change others. We are not responsible for what comes out of their mouth, the daily choices they make or their reactions, etc. The bottom line? Since you can’t change other people, change how you deal with them. As Dr. Cloud says in Boundaries, “They may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.”
4. Decide the consequences ahead of time.
So what do we do if anyone pushes our boundaries (because they will)? Decide what the consequences are. The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is sitting quietly down with yourself and making this all about you. (Remember: boundaries are about honoring your needs, not about judging other people’s choices. Write it down.
5. Let your behavior, not your words, speak for you.
Present your boundaries clearly to people and then let your behavior do the talking. People WILL test, push and disrespect your limits. You’ll know you’re getting healthier when this doesn’t get an emotional reaction out of you. When your boundaries are your core beliefs, you will not get riled up if you are tested.
6. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
The biggest part of boundaries is HOW clearly you communicate them. You can have the most healthy set of boundaries on the planet but if you do not communicate them clearly, you are going to create some really confusing relationships, both for you and everyone else involved.
One way to quickly get someone to question your character or authenticity? Say one thing and do another. Sometimes we’re afraid to confront others with truth in love or relationships. The more you ground yourself with your boundaries and values, the more you’ll be able to be very clear in your communication!
This should get you started to think that maybe, just maybe your lot in life can be different. Maybe the kids can find good jobs, go to college, stay out of prison. Maybe you can change your DNA and skip the family curse of dying by some horrid disease before your time is possible. Change begin with the simple thought.
MAYBE THIS COULD BE DIFFERENT
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